Brian Understands Your Internet

An appeals court ruled Thursday that the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional. Turns out you can’t treat one small group of people differently than how you treat a larger group of people.

In Canada, a porn actor is suspected of sending body parts from a dismembered corpse to politicians. Raising the question: How did an American become a Canadian porn actor?

A new report says at least 13 people running for the Senate have declared bankruptcy. To be fair, Libertarians shouldn’t count since they oppose declaring anything.

The International Energy Agency is calling for tougher regulations on the fracking industry. A message that would be publicized better if only they worked for the fracking industry.

Actress Zhang Ziyi denied rumors that she earned $100 million by sleeping with wealthy Chinese men. Obama is upset over the accusations as well as since he gets barely a third of that.

New York City plans to ban the sale of bottles of soda larger than 16 ounces. Fat people are so upset they’re going to march up four stairs at City Hall then call their nephew to come pick them up.

The European Central Bank’s president called the Euro “unsustainable.” Also unsustainable? Bank presidents being honest.

Syria released 500 political prisoners on Thursday. A good strategy once you start to run out of people to politically imprison.

House Republicans are trying to make it a federal crime to carry out an abortion based on the fetus’s sex. “See?” they said. “We’re not so bad once you let us in your vagina.”

A French magazine issued an apology for misquoting Megan Fox as saying, “I would not trade my place with an unattractive girl.” In related news, Megan Fox isn’t as cool as French people thought she was.

In an interview, Vanderbilt football coach James Franklin said, “I will not hire an assistant coach until I’ve seen his wife. If she looks the part…then you got a chance to get hired.” Which sounds awful until you find out how Penn State hires their assistant coaches.

The International Criminal Court sentenced former Liberian President Charles Taylor to 50 years in prison for aiding rebels in return for blood diamonds. Not to mention giving Leonardo Di Caprio a reason to put off doing “Inception.”

Russia and China are opposing a United Nations–sponsored intervention in Syria despite Kofi Annan warning the country is at a “tipping point.” Until then, Syria will continue to be an alcoholic.

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange will be extradited to Sweden to face sexual assault charges, according to a British court’s ruling. However, experts predict Assange will be rescued by Morpheus and Trinity.

On “Today,” Kathy Lee Gifford asked Martin Short about his marriage, not knowing his wife had died two years ago. To be fair, so did Kathie Lee Gifford.

Said Gifford, “He and Nancy have one of the greatest marriages of anybody in showbusiness. How many years now for you guys?” Adding, “Aww, isn’t that sweet? He’s crying because he loves her so much and I have a job interviewing people.”

Mark Zuckerberg fell off a list of the top 40 billionaires in the world. “But at least I have all my friends,” he said, looking at his Facebook wall. Or: But it’s not like he’s Twitter poor just yet.

Love letters written by Mike Tyson are set to be auctioned off. They’re also the first love letters to end with the phrase “Or I’ll push you down the stairs.”

Authorities are investigating how an adult film was shot at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, a memorial to World War I veterans. They’re particularly incensed it wasn’t appropriately titled “Mustard Ass” or “Trench Whorefare” or even “The Ass-assination of Arch Duke Fertile-gland.”

NBC apparently offered Jerry Seinfeld $100 million for one more season of “Seinfeld.” Said Seinfeld, “What’s the deal with that?” Or: Likewise, Michael Richards was offered close friendship with a token black person.

Planned Parenthood is being accused by an anti-abortion group of encouraging the abortion of girls. Finally, people brave enough to take on the good ole boys club known as Planned Parenthood.

Alicia Silverstone released her own line of earth-conscious skincare products this week. All the moisturizer was first used on her skin then scraped off and bottled.

Released on Tuesday, Mitt Romney’s iPhone app misspelled his slogan, writing it as “A Better Amercia.” Romney’s campaign manager issued an immediate apolgoy.

Despite being abducted, set on fire then shot over the weekend, a Detroit woman has given birth to a healthy baby boy. Making her the first new mom to be non-sarcastically asked by men, “So you want a medal or something?”

About 400 ideas were submitted after NASA called for new ways to explore Mars. And only 120 of them involved the phrase “explore deez nutz.”

Newly discovered 40,000-year-old bone flutes have been designated the world’s oldest musical instruments. Not to mention the world’s oldest penis euphemism.

“Jersey Shore” star the Situation says he’s a new person since coming out of rehab for alcohol abuse. For example, now he’s a douchebag who smokes.

A ban on “Fifty Shades of Grey” in Florida public libraries has been overturned. The judge finalized the decision by slamming his gavel and asking his desk if it liked that.

In Pakistan, two suicide bombers died when their vehicle exploded prematurely. “This is the first time this has ever happened to us,” they told their 72 virgins.

On Tuesday, Mitt Romney met with Sheldon Adelson, a casino tycoon who once backed Newt Gingrich’s presidential campaign and thinks Barack Obama was born in Kenya. Not to mention there’s that whole “being named Sheldon” thing.

Kim Kardashian is accusing British Airways of stealing items out of her checked luggage. One item in particular was a notebook containing her latest cold fusion equation.

The founder of TMZ passed away. As per his wishes, he will be strapped onto Brad Pitt like a backpack.

Scientists in California have found bluefin tuna containing high levels of radiation due to Japan’s nuclear crisis. The fish are still safe to eat, with scientists ranking it far below Godzilla meat in terms of danger.

During a speech Monday, Mitt Romney said there are “two courses” for the U.S. to follow. “One is…to shrink our military smaller and smaller to pay our social needs … and hope for the best.” “The other course,” he said, “involves these,” as he then produced two golden plates.

Justin Bieber has been accused of assaulting a photographer in Los Angeles while spending time with girlfriend Selena Gomez. The photographer said he would never have expected such violent behavior from two young women.

Over the weekend on a Miami highway, police shot and killed a naked man who was trying to eat the face of another naked man. Surprising many experts who thought the first zombie attack would be in China.

Democratic Party leaders continue to defend their choice to attack Mitt Romney and his work at Bain Capital. Keep in mind, the last thing they defended was students not getting hit with huge interest rates on school loans.

Chinese dissident Chen Guangchengat is scheduled to speak at the Council on Foreign Relations in New York City. Said Guangchengat, “You’d have to be blind to miss this night of entertainment! Hey now!”

Two Tibetan men set themselves on fire on Sunday to protest China’s anti-Tibet policies. Interestingly they didn’t seem to even be posing for an album cover.

The U.N. Security Council unanimously condemned Syria after a massacre that left an estimated 108 dead, including 32 children. “After 30, we just had to say, ‘Whoa, back up the truck,’” said Russia.

In Afghanistan, NATO took responsibility for a bombing that killed a family of eight, including six children. They even issued an emphatic “Our bad.”

Sources say Sony almost stopped the filming of “Men in Black III” due to script problems and Will Smith being demanding. That is to say, the Prince was getting a little fresh.

In Houston, an honor student was given 24 hours in jail for being tardy. On the bright side, he can appeal if he meets the judge at the center of town at high noon.

A legal case in Quebec may force more than 1 million unmarried Canadians to be automatically married by the state. As to be expected, they are respectfully enraged.

A photo of Mark Zuckerberg and his wife, Priscilla Chan, at the Sisteen Chapel was posted online by a Twitter user. Things got especially awkward when the Mayor of the Sistine Chapel showed up.

In an interview, Rudy Giuliani suggested that he did a better job as mayor than Mitt Romney did as governor. For example, everyone got free health care under Romney whereas cops and firemen got free lung disease under Giuliani after 9/11.

International Atomic Energy Agency inspectors were turned away from a suspected Iranian weapons development site and told to come back later. Fortunately for all parties involved there was a Chili’s right nearby.

The pope’s butler was detained following the leaking of secret church documents. Vatican officials became especially concerned after watching “Clue.”

The World Health Organization estimates that a kidney is sold illegally every hour. Said the organization, “We’ll stop you somehow, Mr. Limbaugh.”

Dario Franchitti won the Indianapolis 500 for the third time in five years. That’s three down, 497 to go.

Two female soldiers are suing to have the ban on women in combat lifted. The counter-argument being that pictures of a female soldier peeing on a corpse would be off putting.

Auction organizers canceled the sale of a vial of Ronald Reagan’s blood. Apparently the tagline of “Blood from the guy who didn’t care about AIDS” wasn’t very popular.

Neil Armstrong admitted in a rare interview that he felt he had only a 50 percent chance of landing safely on the moon. “He told me it was more like 85,” said a hurt and confused Buzz Aldrin.

Occupy Wall Street is suing New York City for destroying books belonging to the People’s Library. Even worse, they were so close to finishing “50 Shades of Grey.” Or: Even worse, they were so close to finishing “The NYPD: Misunderstood Friends.”

Police arrested the mayor of West New York, N.J., for hacking the website of a recall group in opposition to him. He’ll also face charges of changing his city’s name from the less appealing “East New Jersey.”

A conservative website is giving one handgun away each week until the presidential election. Liberals are upset, though they do love free handouts…

Director of “Precious” Lee Daniels was booed at Cannes following the debut of his latest movie, “The Paperboy.” A natural reaction when an audience doesn’t feel exploited enough.

The New Yorker published an 8,500-word story on Twitter Thursday night. The title of the story? “How Do We Kill Books Faster? #thisiscoolright”

Phillip Phillips won the 11th season of “American Idol.” Now if he can just overcome having such a hard-to-remember name.

Bill Clinton posed for a picture with porn stars at a Monte Carlo casino. Both parties would later say how nice it was to meet a fan.

“Big Bang Theory” star Jim Parsons announced that he’s gay via a New York Times profile. He was immediately given an award though no one is sure why.

On Wednesday, Herman Cain defended Mitt Romney by comparing his work as CEO of Godfather’s Pizza to Romney’s role at Bain Capital. For example, Romney considers corporations to be people while Cain considers pizzas to be personal friends.

Airlines that charge passengers the most hidden fees have become the most profitable carriers. A huge rebuke to those who said ninjas couldn’t run airlines.

Britain announced it will ban leaders guilty of human rights abuses from coming to the country for the 2012 Olympics. So welcome, leaders of Malta and Greenland. Wait, no. Just Greenland. Welcome, Greenland.

“Jersey Shore” star Snooki confirmed she’s having a boy. Snooki said she’s happy with the change, as she’s used to just having men. Lots and lots of men.

For the first time ever, researchers have turned skin cells into heart muscle cells that can be used to repair cardiac tissue. And Dick Cheney’s never felt better.

Facebook is being sued by shareholders for allegedly concealing information before the company went public on the stock market. For example, all those pictures of Facebook shirtless and doing beer bongs.

Johnny Depp has been made an honorary Comanche. Proving that Native Americans will also find any excuse to hang out with Johnny Depp.

Anderson Cooper kicked a woman off his show after she admitted to giving her 7-year-old daughter vouchers for plastic surgery. To be fair, he did just receive indignation implants.

The Pakistani doctor who helped the U.S. find Osama bin Laden was sentenced to 33 years in prison and fined $3,400 for treason. The U.S. responded by saying, “I guess we could maybe pay some of that fine for you.”

The inventor of the TV remote control died this week. He was found buried underneath a couch cushion. He was into autoerotic asphyxiation.

New York State lawmakers are proposing legislation that would crack down on anonymous online comments. Particularly ones accusing New York State lawmakers of proposing useless legislation.

Consumer Reports says people value fuel economy over quality and safety when buying a car. Which explains the popularity behind the Honda Two Motorcycles Connected By Old Wooden Planks.

Monday night was the series finale of “House.” The show ended with Hugh Laurie’s character being stolen by Bank of America.

A UFC fighter was fined $79,500 and banned from fighting for a year for using marijuana, though he says it was for his ADHD. Because cage fighting is best performed when you think pot helps you focus.

Eight people were shot near the Oklahoma City Thunder’s arena following the team’s win over the Lakers. People in Oklahoma City were understandably excited because they’re just so used to bombing.

Andy Caffrey, a candidate for California’s 2nd Congressional District, promised, “I’ll smoke a joint on the Capitol steps and get arrested to draw national attention to what’s going on.” Likewise, you can count on him to puff-puff-pass key legislation.

The head of the U.N.’s nuclear agency believes an agreement on Iran’s energy program will be “signed quite soon.” “You can Geiger count on it!” he said, high-fiving a nuclear physicist.

A&E canceled “Dog the Bounty Hunter.” In related news, A&E has picked up the new show, “Dog the Job Hunter.”

A man survived the jump over Niagara Falls, becoming only the fourth person to survive the plunge without any protection. Still slightly better odds than what Kim Kardashian’s vagina offers.

Authorities say the man was eventually pulled to safety on the Canadian side of the river. There he was greeted with hugs and a cup of warm instant coffee.

A British company is auctioning a vial of Ronald Reagan’s blood. “That’s hardly enough to get a buzz off of,” said Republicans.

Defending himself, the man selling the vial of blood stated, “I was a real fan of Reaganomics and felt that President Reagan himself would rather see me sell it rather than donating it.” Others contend that if Reagan were alive, he’d just want his blood back.

On Tuesday, California’s SpaceX successfully launched the first spacecraft mission not commissioned by the government. Watching the launch from afar was NASA while listening to that Aerosmith song from “Armageddon.”

In April, pro-Romney super PAC Restore Our Future raised $3 million more than the largest pro-Obama super PAC. Interestingly, most of that money was borrowed from people’s parents.

Obama announced a full withdrawal of U.S. troops from Afghanistan by 2014. Even better, he was able to recycle much of what he said four years ago.

A new report shows more men entering traditionally female occupations. Likewise, more and more women are joining the Pussy Patrol.

A Chinese firm purchased theater chain AMC for $2.6 billion. Or as it’s known in New York City, going to see “The Avengers” in 3D at the IMAX.

Arsenio Hall won this season’s “Celebrity Apprentice.” He celebrated by making a circular gesture with his forearm that most people didn’t recognize.

$3.6 million worth of marijuana was found floating off the coast of California. Tickets for Miley Cyrus’s cruise ship are still available.

A man has been sent to jail for hacking teen pop star Selena Gomez’s Facebook. Gomez has yet to comment but her BFF said justo has been serv :)

No one purchased a tea date with Gerard Butler at a charity auction. In related news, no one purchased a chance to be yelled at by Gerard Butler.

Over 2,000 people have been exonerated after being falsely convicted in the past 23 years, according to new research. But keep in mind, most of the researchers were just arrested for serial killing.

Jane Fonda says she’d like to write a book of erotica. Because when people think of erotica, they think of someone they thought died three years ago.

A jersey worn by Babe Ruth sold for $4.4 million at auction. Turns out people will pay a lot for something never worn near a black person.

John Edwards’ lawyers rested their case today. And on top of that, John Edwards rested his genitals.

The next iPhone will reportedly have a 4-inch screen. Causing older model iPhones to be even more insecure.

None of the 22 films accepted into this year’s Cannes Film Festival feature female directors. Consequently, there will be a lot of movies about women without senses of humor.

“Terminator Salvation” and “Sin City” actor Nick Stahl has been reported as missing. “Oh, that guy,” said cops after seeing a picture of him.

In a speech yesterday morning, George W. Bush said, “I actually found my freedom by leaving Washington.” “He was under so much stress,” said someone who was sent to Guantanamo Bay in 2002 and is still there.

President Obama’s speech at the Democratic Convention will go up against the MTV Music Awards. Giving Kanye West another chance to both interrupt someone and insult a president on live TV.

A Russian satellite has taken the highest resolution picture ever of Earth. The picture’s so clear in fact that you can see people in Russia wondering how soon they’ll have to wait in line for bread again.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie and Newark Mayor Cory Booker appeared in a sketch comedy video. They had a real Laurel and Hardy chemistry, in that they’re popular for no good reason.

Aaron Sorkin is writing a script for a Steve Jobs biopic. It’ll be just like “The West Wing” but with a person who just acts like he’s president.

Bill Clinton suggested that taxes must eventually be raised on the middle class. Unless you can convince him otherwise, middle class…

In an interview, Justin Bieber said he drinks beer but “never gets out of control.” A veiled answer to the common question, does he ever make out with himself?

Robert Downey Jr. may receive $50 million, if not more, for his role as Tony Stark in “The Avengers.” Proving that method acting can be amazing.

In Britain, a former chief of News International was charged with “perverting justice” for her involvement with the country’s phone-hacking scandal. A crime considered more offensive than being a “Peeping Tom of liberty.”

The case of three Seattle police officers who used a Taser on a pregnant woman during a traffic stop is heading to the Supreme Court. Because no other judges could agree if their actions were legal or just awesome.

The chairman of Best Buy announced that he’s stepping down. Literally. He’s just going downstairs to JCPenney to check on a duvet cover.

Mississippi police are warning drivers about stopping for a fake cop who has been killing people. Tip #1: A real cop doesn’t make “bee-ooo bee-ooo” noises with his mouth.

François Hollande asked that his presidential inauguration ceremony be low-key, with neither his wife nor his children even in attendance. Furthermore, Hollande said one stripper would be more than enough.

Dell is being criticized for inviting a Danish speaker/comedian to a company event, during which he told men to go home and tell their wives, “Shut up, bitch.” A line that sounds eerily similar to their old catchphrase, “Dude, you’re getting a Dell and tell that bitch to shut up.”

Iran announced that it had executed a man accused of being an Israeli intelligence agent and assassinating a nuclear scientist. Though at the very least, Iran is more or less certain that it killed a Jew who didn’t like science.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn is countersuing the maid who accused him of rape for $1 million. Which should buy him lots of women to rape.

Ron Paul announced he will no longer campaign for the Republican nomination. “Is that right…” said Newt Gingrich, clicking his tongue.

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal attacked President Obama, saying he “never ran a state, never a business, never ran a lemonade stand.” On the other hand, he did run General Motors for a couple years.

After visiting her husband in prison, Rod Blagojevich’s wife said the room they met in was “one of the saddest places on Earth.” Adding, “At max there were two chandeliers. At. Max.”

Microsoft is supporting a system aimed at slowing bit torrent downloads. Because slowing everything down didn’t work out for Windows Vista.

A member of the History Channel reality series “Swamp People” died Monday. The cause of death isn’t clear yet but witnesses said they saw something attack him. Some type of…Swamp Thing.